When You Can't "Just Keep Swimming"

Some days, you just can't. No, I am not trying to sound like an 18 year old valley girl that "literally just can't", but today I knew I had to quit. I have been trying to obsessively follow a marathon training plan for my half marathon on November 15, and my first full marathon on January 31. I have a schedule for my runs and workouts following the plan basically to a T, and today called for 12 miles. I do all of my long runs typically on Tuesdays, sometimes Wednesdays pending on my work schedule. So yesterday, I turned down invitations from friends to hangout after my 11 hour shift, came home to eat my dinner of brown rice, veggies, and tempeh, and hit the sack by 9:30pm.

My alarm sounded at 6:30am; trying to beat the heat of the eternal summer that is Florida (it is November 3...) yet my body just said no. It told me I was too tired, I needed to rest, yet I forced myself up, ate a banana and got dressed and headed out. By mile 4 I was already exhausted. It was nearing 85 degrees and only 7:30am. I just couldn't get in "the zone," and decided to cut down to 11 miles. By mile 5 I decided I couldn't go any farther and turned around to just do 10. It was hot, I was running out of water from my Camelbak, my IT band began to flare up and I resorted to run walking.

Mentally, I was over it. I wasn't having any fun, I was tired, thirsty, hot, and began to worry and doubt myself about being able to run 26.2 miles come January. If I couldn't even make it 12, how would I ever be able to run that far? Would I even be able to push myself to train longer distances? I had given up. I called my dad at 7.5 crying. He has completed many marathons, and always has the best advice. He told me that sometimes, our bodies need a break, to go home, eat, rest and get back on track when I felt better. My typical work week is about 6 days a week and over 50 hours, where I stand, squat, and remain pretty active and it all takes a tole on me that I really don't factor in. I am leaner and in better shape than I maybe have ever been, so why did my body quit on me? Because it needs rest, it just needs a break from activity.

So here I was, crying because of my obsessive compulsion to accomplish every single goal I set for myself and here I was failing myself. I have NEVER not completed a long run that I planned out, yet here I was walking the 2.5 miles left to get home. I was defeated, done, even walking bothered my IT band. Out of water, thirsty, and sweating bullets. I stopped at my neighborhood McDonalds to get water, and got quite a few confusing looks from the regular carnivores. Charlie greeted me with a friendly meow when I got home, showered, and had my usual post run waffles and fruit as a reward for my labor.

Now it is time to re-evaluate. I am a super obsessive person, always have been. It has led me to eating disorders, exercise disorders, and generally to be anxious about anything in my future. After this not so great run, I learned that I need to just take every run as they come. If I am injured, rest (very hard for me, I usually will run anyways.) Stop obsessing about races, if come January I cannot do the full marathon, I will drop down to the half. Maybe my body just can't handle it, and I will need to learn to be okay with that. I can't keep isolating myself from my social life because it "doesn't fit into my running plan."

Now, I will commit to making living a priority, rather than working constantly to attain my goals. Instead of working 6 days a week to pay my bills and have extra spending money, I am going to take my extra days to go out into nature and do the things I want to do, say YES more often to invitations from friends, and maybe even in December to drive my happy self to the mountains and stay in a hostel to explore. It's time to live, be present in everything I do, and to learn to work running races into my life rather than into my schedule and letting them consume me. Time to live.

Peace and running friends!