When You Can't "Just Keep Swimming"

Some days, you just can't. No, I am not trying to sound like an 18 year old valley girl that "literally just can't", but today I knew I had to quit. I have been trying to obsessively follow a marathon training plan for my half marathon on November 15, and my first full marathon on January 31. I have a schedule for my runs and workouts following the plan basically to a T, and today called for 12 miles. I do all of my long runs typically on Tuesdays, sometimes Wednesdays pending on my work schedule. So yesterday, I turned down invitations from friends to hangout after my 11 hour shift, came home to eat my dinner of brown rice, veggies, and tempeh, and hit the sack by 9:30pm.

My alarm sounded at 6:30am; trying to beat the heat of the eternal summer that is Florida (it is November 3...) yet my body just said no. It told me I was too tired, I needed to rest, yet I forced myself up, ate a banana and got dressed and headed out. By mile 4 I was already exhausted. It was nearing 85 degrees and only 7:30am. I just couldn't get in "the zone," and decided to cut down to 11 miles. By mile 5 I decided I couldn't go any farther and turned around to just do 10. It was hot, I was running out of water from my Camelbak, my IT band began to flare up and I resorted to run walking.

Mentally, I was over it. I wasn't having any fun, I was tired, thirsty, hot, and began to worry and doubt myself about being able to run 26.2 miles come January. If I couldn't even make it 12, how would I ever be able to run that far? Would I even be able to push myself to train longer distances? I had given up. I called my dad at 7.5 crying. He has completed many marathons, and always has the best advice. He told me that sometimes, our bodies need a break, to go home, eat, rest and get back on track when I felt better. My typical work week is about 6 days a week and over 50 hours, where I stand, squat, and remain pretty active and it all takes a tole on me that I really don't factor in. I am leaner and in better shape than I maybe have ever been, so why did my body quit on me? Because it needs rest, it just needs a break from activity.

So here I was, crying because of my obsessive compulsion to accomplish every single goal I set for myself and here I was failing myself. I have NEVER not completed a long run that I planned out, yet here I was walking the 2.5 miles left to get home. I was defeated, done, even walking bothered my IT band. Out of water, thirsty, and sweating bullets. I stopped at my neighborhood McDonalds to get water, and got quite a few confusing looks from the regular carnivores. Charlie greeted me with a friendly meow when I got home, showered, and had my usual post run waffles and fruit as a reward for my labor.

Now it is time to re-evaluate. I am a super obsessive person, always have been. It has led me to eating disorders, exercise disorders, and generally to be anxious about anything in my future. After this not so great run, I learned that I need to just take every run as they come. If I am injured, rest (very hard for me, I usually will run anyways.) Stop obsessing about races, if come January I cannot do the full marathon, I will drop down to the half. Maybe my body just can't handle it, and I will need to learn to be okay with that. I can't keep isolating myself from my social life because it "doesn't fit into my running plan."

Now, I will commit to making living a priority, rather than working constantly to attain my goals. Instead of working 6 days a week to pay my bills and have extra spending money, I am going to take my extra days to go out into nature and do the things I want to do, say YES more often to invitations from friends, and maybe even in December to drive my happy self to the mountains and stay in a hostel to explore. It's time to live, be present in everything I do, and to learn to work running races into my life rather than into my schedule and letting them consume me. Time to live.

Peace and running friends!

Why I Am Taking on the Marathon

Everyone has a different reason for why they do things; run, bike, yoga, knit, fish, whatever the hell you do just for you. But, everyone has a vastly different inner reason for this as well. Sometimes it is not until well into your journey that you discover your purpose for what you do.

***Side note: Let's also set something straight, I don't like to use the concept of "journey", and am going to try to refrain myself from using that term. To me, journey means a path to a destination. Ultimately, we all only have one destination from life, and that is death. So rather than me constantly trying to find a destination in life, I will remain present and describe my process as just being.***

Struggles in life are something everyone of all races, cultures, and incomes faces, and I have faced my fare share of struggle. From early adolescence I struggled with body issues and eating disorders, wanting to shrink my strong and muscular thighs I thank figure skating for. I allowed the media to dictate how I thought I should look, and with my thighs as thick and strong as a tree I did not fit in their category of "beautiful and thin." Through over exercising and controlling what I put in my mouth I shrunk to a very dangerous weight, while still continuing to strive to improve my skating abilities which I finally learned could not happen after depleting my muscle. So through my desire to become a better skater, and to live my life in a healthier way for myself and my family I healed myself and gained weight and muscle to grow stronger than ever. Through conditioning and healthy eating I excelled more than ever at my sport. 

In my young adult years as stated in an earlier blog post, A Little About Me, I found running to both feel good physically and mentally. Now, as a college graduate and feeling lost as most 23 year olds do in what their "purpose" and career path is, I have decided to take on the marathon. To me, a marathon is a pretty huge feat to face physically. I have never run more than about 14 miles and want to prove to myself that I am both dedicated and strong enough to do it. 

Mentally, running a marathon makes you strong. I call it free therapy. Sometimes you can be on runs for 2-3 hours, with nothing but yourself and your thoughts, much more time than most people spend not distracted by technology, other people, work, etc. I thank running for making good decisions, when you can argue and debate with yourself about something for unobstructed hours at a time you tend to make the right decision. I find myself thinking more about my direction in life and making choices based on what my heart wants rather than what society wants. Relationship wise on runs I can recollect the good times and also the bad times which helps me to heal the wounds I carry in my heart from friendships not working out (I am an empathic person and tend to always remember the good times.)

The marathon is a goal I can work towards and singly rely on myself to accomplish. As a type A personality, I like to work alone and control what I am working towards. Whether or not I complete this feat is something only I can place reliance on myself for; and at this state of my life it is important for me to spend some time alone and with my thoughts. 

I hope you will follow me on my physical and mental journey through this process. Weekly, I will post my runs, distances, the woes and the triumphs I learn from my body and my mind. Be prepared for some deep and emotionally driven posts, as I tend to get deep into my core on my runs.

Some life updates:

Everyone go see this documentary! "He Named Me Malala." SO inspirational in every way of life. Shakes you up and makes you feel very thankful for our education in America and our rights as humans. Sometimes the things we fight for here seem miniscule in retrospect to what others want as basic rights.

Just got in my new Garmin Forerunner 220! Love it, a big step up from my old watch which will now allow me to clock intervals for speed training and tell me my pace while I am currently running.

Have a peaceful and meaningful day, friends!